Creating Your Love Story ... Together
[ definition of the phrase coined by Erica Sandquist ]
"Co-creationship is the continued action and the product of 2 [or more] people actively working TOGETHER towards creating the healthy IDEAL relationship that both deeply desire. It also includes each person striving to show up as the person they ideally want to be within that relationship.
Each person understands that feeling hurt, offended, and/or 'taking things personally' is exactly what a trigger is...and it's an individual's responsibility to work through their own TRIGGERS to get to the ROOT. It is not someone else's responsibility to read your mind, fix it, or change their behavior to accommodate you. [Although it IS a possibility that the other person can change their behavior to adapt to your trigger, the goal is for you to actually work through it to heal it.] Triggers CAN increase, decrease, or disappear [aka heal] depending on how they are addressed. Working on/through your own triggers with your partner's support is optimal.
Dialog will be ongoing, shifting, and evolving during the entire relationship as parts are exposed and parts are healing/healed. Co-creating this relationship requires each person to take radical responsibility [without blame/shame] of their own behavior, actions, responses, and reactions WHILE being respectful and kind to themselves and others. Each person needs to be able verbalize their own expectations and assumptions. This takes accountability, honesty, and gratitude… as well as a lot of practice, perseverance, empathy, and patience while dealing with your own [and each other’s] pain points."
Beware of the half truth.
[You may have gotten hold of the WRONG half.]
[ description of the phrase coined by Erica Sandquist ]
Steps Toward Co-creating Your Ideal Relationship
Each person starts by writing down what they IDEALLY want this relationship to look like, sound like, feel like, and be like. Get really DETAILED here and be 100% honest with yourself. This is best to do alone. [For instance, almost everyone says they want a loving relationship so you need to get dialed in to what that is for you. For some it might mean being together 24/7 and for others it means a lot of freedom. For some it might mean lots of adventure and for some no travel....and everything in between. Do you want to work towards friendship, marriage, friends with benefits,...? What about sex, affection, and PDA? Remember to write your stance on: children, vacations, retirement, working, where live, how eat, ] Remember to include ideal personal traits of you and a list of ideal traits in a fictional person with whom you'd like to be in this ideal relationship. Choose a time to come together and discuss your lists at length with your descriptions where possible. Pick a place where you'll have privacy and give yourselves enough time for conversation. This can take place over multiple dates. Agree to the points/goals youboth want for your "ideal" relationship*. [Know that neither person nor the relationship will ever be perfect just because you both agreed to it... nor will you be able to articulate exactly what you mean/desire at first...but it gets clearer and easier as you go.]Start working towards showing up as the person who would be in that ideal relationship through open, honest, loving, respectful, and consistent communication. This will be ongoing, shifting, and evolving during the entire relationship as parts are exposed and parts are healing/healed. Do-overs are expected, encouraged, and supported.Revisit the conversation every 3 months the first year and then every 6 months for 5 years.
How this works:
Each person gets clear on what they IDEALLY want this relationship to look like, feel like, and be like by getting really really detailed here. This is good to do alone and be 100% honest about what you WANT in a "best case scenario" type of way. Also write down the personal traits you'd like to have yourself and the personal traits of the other person.
Then come together and discuss your lists at length with descriptions where possible. Agree to the points/goals you both want for this "ideal" relationship*. [Know that neither person nor the relationship will be perfect just because you both said it... nor will you be able to articulate exactly what you mean/desire at first...but it gets clearer and easier as you go.] It is best to write this list down and place it where you both can access it.
Start working towards having that "ideal relationship" through open, honest, loving, respectful, and consistent communication. Dialog will be ongoing, shifting, and evolving during the entire relationship as parts are exposed and parts are healing/healed. Co-creating this relationship requires taking radical responsibility for your own responses and reactions WHILE being respectful and kind with someone else's. Each person needs to be able verbalize their own expectations and assumptions to be open and receptive. It takes accountability, honesty, and gratitude… as well as a lot of practice, perseverance, and patience while dealing with your own [and each other’s] pain points.
Each person needs to understand that feeling hurt, offended, and/or "taking things personally" is exactly what a trigger is...and it's YOUR responsibility to work through YOUR TRIGGER to get to the ROOT. It is not someone else's responsibility to read your mind, fix it, or change their behavior to accommodate you. [Although it is a possibility, the goal is to actually "get over it".] Triggers CAN increase, decrease, or disappear [aka heal] depending on how you address them. YOUR choice.
DO-OVERS are extremely helpful in creating new habits and practicing "the way you wish you had responded" immediately. By incorporating do-overs into your agreement, both parties feel comfortable making mistakes and being forgiven.
Metaphorically, each person is holding a [hurting] heart in their hands...sometimes their own and sometimes the other person's. Be as present, mindful, loving, and forgiving as you'd want others to be with your heart.
Getting crystal clear on what you yearn for,
acknowledging past traumas,
taking radical responsibility to your reactions to triggers,
and then communicating lovingly,
increases your likelihood of CO-CREATING
the LOVE in life you've always wanted.
[whether or not you're currently in a relationship]
This is called 'doing the work' and I believe that the work is
incredibly SATISFYING...and can be FUN too!"
~ Tampa's Love Muse, Erica
---> a double edged sword
"Magical Thinking" in General
Examples of Magical Thinking is when people think things are just going to work out in a "FAIRYTALE, happily-ever-after kind of way!" They think don't need to "do the work" within the relationship...the couple just get each other deeper than anyone else has or ever will. Maybe their reasoning is because "it is meant to be." Or maybe because they earned it, deserve it, or are owed it after waiting a long time, suffering, or working hard.
Many people really believe that TRUE LOVE IS SUPPOSED to be the FAIRYTALE version...and that finding your soulmate should be LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, easy, effortless and totally magical everyday for the rest of your life now that they've found each other. Magical Thinking in general can get us into trouble because it isn't logical, possible, and it sets the relationship up for failure. ROM COMS, fairytales, and romance novels are all guilty of perpetuating this underlying belief in our culture...as are our friends and family members.
Here are a few examples of magical thinking:
once you get into a relationship with "the ONE" there aren't going to be any fighting or conflicts
if you fight, then the relationship is doomed
if you don't fight, the relationship is "meant to be" and can last forever
once you get into a relationship with "the ONE" everything will be pretty much perfect
a relationship with "the ONE" won't be work...it'll be fun and wonderful all the time
we should agree on almost everything
thinking that you'll BOTH know INSTANTLY that the other is "THE ONE"
you'll find love when you're not looking for it
love at first sight
all we need is love
love will solve everything
"Magical Thinking" within Co-Creationship
How "CO-CREATIONSHIP" relates to Magical Thinking:
To an extent, there needs to be a certain amount of "Magical Thinking" to help us through the "Co-Creationship-ing Process." Why? Because we are trying to create an "extraordinary relationship" with another imperfect human and real life is filled with triggers, emotion, sickness, problems, issues and struggles. In this case MAGICAL THINKING is a belief that the end result can and will happen and we're going to keep working towards that even in the face of tumultuous feelings and emotions.
You still need to check your expectations and assumptions at the door and talk about them openly. Being able to look at YOURSELF [your feelings, beliefs, thoughts, emotions, reactions, responses] is IMPERATIVE to being able to SUCCESSFULLY co-create the love/relationship you both want.